The joke thread

[Dorothy]

Originally Posted by Bird Song Farm

Listen to Uncle Al, go for a guy in his 20's........

Al

Been there, Al ..
No Thank you very much!
Perhaps you would want to go for a cup of coffee

[cb977]

Originally Posted by IdahoOrchid

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."
____________ _________ _________ _______


FAMILY


Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
____________ _________ _________ _______

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
____________ _________ _________ _______

SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up ! And down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
____________ _________ _________ _______

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my! Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
____________ _________ _________ _______

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
____________ _________ _________ _______

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards.
One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
____________ _________ _________ _______

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" ____________ _________ _________ _______

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Please !!!! TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!!

I have to copy and paste these into an email and send them a number of people I know will appreciate them

The first one is too funny

[Bird Song Farm]

Originally Posted by Dorothy

Been there, Al ..
No Thank you very much!
Perhaps you would want to go for a cup of coffee

I'm to old for your criteria, darn!
Al

[Des]

Originally Posted by Dorothy

Been there, Al ..
No Thank you very much!
Perhaps you would want to go for a cup of coffee

Dorothy ,can I take you up on that offer for coffee, I promise to leave my Nurse and walker at the at home

[thakshila smith]

[Dorothy]

Originally Posted by Des

Dorothy ,can I take you up on that offer for coffee, I promise to leave my Nurse and walker at the at home

Wow Des, you just made it
Do they have any Starbucks in SA?

Dat's right I'm back

[Nico]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than
German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,
Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some
room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that
would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the
sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of
the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less
letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre
that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful,
and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be
dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze
drem vil finali kum tru!

[RosieC]

I've seen that before but it still makes me laugh.

[Nico]

Ahhhhhhh, Rosie! But you're European. I am waiting for ze ozer kontinents. Maybe zey'l aprov zes improvements tu.

[RosieC]