The joke thread

[cb977]

Originally Posted by kavanaru

LOL Excellent!!!


now, let us know what is the link with Sue!!

LOL...that's just something I would do...being a wisea** instead of a blonde

[greenbean]

Ok, this is one of those horrible corny jokes that makes you smack your forehead and groan. I heard it today in my horticulture class.

Which came first, the flower or the seed?

Honestly, I should have expected it. I mean, what would horticulture students care about a chicken and an egg?

[CodiMN]

I love this one!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time to smile
CURTAIN RODS :-(

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. :-(

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. :-(

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. :~/

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. :-O

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. :-(

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. :-)))))

Then slowly, the house began to smell. :-(

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned .

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!!! :-C

People stopped coming over to visit. :-C
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit. {:-(

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. :-(*)

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. >:-(

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place ... $$$$$$

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going . ;-)

He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back .

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day .

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......... :-)

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!! LOL

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[cb977]

Nice to see you here, Carolyn

[CodiMN]

Thanks Sue! Good to be seen!

[Vanessa]

HELL AS EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which, of course, is why we now
have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over! The corollary of this theory is that since
Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more
souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God..'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

[Bird Song Farm]

Amen!

Al

[GreggC]

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intellegence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

[cb977]

PUN INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Hedge]

Originally Posted by cb977

PUN INTENDED



20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

You certainly made this sad old person laugh a lot - i love the supercalifragilistic joke - Do you know the one about the man who died and went to heaven and asked if he could go back to see his friend Sam Plank as he wanted to check everything was ok at the disco he used to own with him.

He got to earth, wings and harp and all and went into the disco and found that everything was just fine and they were still getting down every night and Sam was coping as best as he could after his recent bereavement.

On his return to Heaven, St Peter pointed out to him as he went back through the pearly gates that he'd forgotten something,"oh no," he said" I've left my harp in Sam Plank's Disco!"

Thanks Sue, yours were bettter