The joke thread

[Des]

Been there done that!!!

[camille1585]

Originally Posted by Des

That is so funny and it is most probably the most expensive joke I have ever read on the net !!
Just before I read the punch line my wife handed me a steaming cup of soup , Reading the last bit really got me laughing and I spilled some soup onto the cat who was sitting on my lap,she took off like the proverbial scalded cat, but not before digging her claws into my legs making me jump up spilling yet more hot soup over myself and falling over the chair . And in the process knocking over the table my computer is on . The computer slid down the table and hit the dog, who just happened to be sleeping in exactly the right place to save my equipment from damage, on the head. He took off like a rocket and ran slap through the screen door destroying it. My Wife thought the end had come for me and pressed the panic button which summons security and medical help. They arrived while I was still trying to pick myself up off the floor! and when I told them it was a joke they called the cops , and thats why I am hiding under this bush with the dog.

That was hilarious!! I should NEVER read the joke thread while eating or drinking, because I just sprayed milk and chocolate chip cookie goop all over my computer screen!


Now I have to clean the cookie dribbles off the screen!

[camille1585]

Ramon, that is hilarious! It reminds me of when I had to give dewormer pills to my pet ducks. There was poop, water, and duck barf absolutely everywhere by the time I finished with all 13 of them!

[Vanessa]

Children... Gotta love em!


1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a
seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed
his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions
expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of
the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to
you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found
himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst
into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The
little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter,
haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I
answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever
needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's
right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot
toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my
police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9
partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is
that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied
puzzled. The boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers
lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely
turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his
church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his
collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found
a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready
for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say
the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of
what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and
unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at
my funeral!)

9) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of
school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't
read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

10) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he
saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama,
look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
Adam's underwear!'

[kavanaru]

I have highlighted my favorites...


1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

[cb977]

Funny stuff, Ramon

I like your choices and #13 the best

[masda]

No 5 for me,but all are relevant.

[CodiMN]

LOL! Love this one Ramon!

[kavanaru]

Originally Posted by cb977

Funny stuff, Ramon

I like your choices and #13 the best

Sue, it indeed uses some chlorine.. check The Darwin Awards

[camille1585]

Those are great Ramon!! I like your choices too, but my favorite is #12!