The joke thread

[Dorothy]

Originally Posted by Des

That is so funny and it is most probably the most expensive joke I have ever read on the net !!
Just before I read the punch line my wife handed me a steaming cup of soup , Reading the last bit really got me laughing and I spilled some soup onto the cat who was sitting on my lap,she took off like the proverbial scalded cat, but not before digging her claws into my legs making me jump up spilling yet more hot soup over myself and falling over the chair . And in the process knocking over the table my computer is on . The computer slid down the table and hit the dog, who just happened to be sleeping in exactly the right place to save my equipment from damage, on the head. He took off like a rocket and ran slap through the screen door destroying it. My Wife thought the end had come for me and pressed the panic button which summons security and medical help. They arrived while I was still trying to pick myself up off the floor! and when I told them it was a joke they called the cops , and thats why I am hiding under this bush with the dog.

[cb977]

Originally Posted by Des

That is so funny and it is most probably the most expensive joke I have ever read on the net !!
Just before I read the punch line my wife handed me a steaming cup of soup , Reading the last bit really got me laughing and I spilled some soup onto the cat who was sitting on my lap,she took off like the proverbial scalded cat, but not before digging her claws into my legs making me jump up spilling yet more hot soup over myself and falling over the chair . And in the process knocking over the table my computer is on . The computer slid down the table and hit the dog, who just happened to be sleeping in exactly the right place to save my equipment from damage, on the head. He took off like a rocket and ran slap through the screen door destroying it. My Wife thought the end had come for me and pressed the panic button which summons security and medical help. They arrived while I was still trying to pick myself up off the floor! and when I told them it was a joke they called the cops , and thats why I am hiding under this bush with the dog.

Des...Oh My God!!!

[Royal]

Des, I don't know what to say. I guess I feel better knowing that my jokes are horrible, and probably didn't contribute to your OB disaster. Are the dog, cat, and computer ok?

[Des]

Well to be honest only the part about the hot soup in my lap is true . the rest was written to try and take yours minds off that horrible storm approaching , even if only for a moment. Keep safe you guys and batton down the hatches !!!
Des

[cb977]

LOL LOL LOL

Des...great job!!!
That was just TOO funny!!!

[Royal]

Des, you stinker! I could totally picture a dog getting hit on the head and bolting right through a screen door.

Oh, and it worked. Took my mind off Ike - for a second.

[masda]

Stay under the tree for a while you may get better.

[kavanaru]

Originally Posted by Des

That is so funny and it is most probably the most expensive joke I have ever read on the net !!
Just before I read the punch line my wife handed me a steaming cup of soup , Reading the last bit really got me laughing and I spilled some soup onto the cat who was sitting on my lap,she took off like the proverbial scalded cat, but not before digging her claws into my legs making me jump up spilling yet more hot soup over myself and falling over the chair . And in the process knocking over the table my computer is on . The computer slid down the table and hit the dog, who just happened to be sleeping in exactly the right place to save my equipment from damage, on the head. He took off like a rocket and ran slap through the screen door destroying it. My Wife thought the end had come for me and pressed the panic button which summons security and medical help. They arrived while I was still trying to pick myself up off the floor! and when I told them it was a joke they called the cops , and thats why I am hiding under this bush with the dog.

sorry guy that's better than the joke!!!

[kavanaru]

How to Give a Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table..

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

[cb977]