The joke thread

[GreggC]

Grandma, "Grannie, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time?'" Grannie replied, "No darling, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'"

[cb977]

>> The Baptist Dog
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>>
>>
>> A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful
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>> of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They
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>> visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs.
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>>
>>
>> Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the
>>
>> dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
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>>
>>
>> "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf,
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>> scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
>>
>>
>>
>> "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the
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>> floor and -- showing marvelous dexterity with his paws --
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>> leafed through the book, found the correct passage, and pointed to it
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>> with his paw.
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>>
>>
>> The pastor and his wife were so impressed that they purchased the dog.
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>> That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and
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>> his wife began to show off the dog by having him locate several Bible
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>> verses. The visitors were very impressed.
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>>
>>
>> One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
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>>
>>
>> I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the
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>> dog and commanded, "HEEL!" The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed
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>> one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.
>>
>>
>>
>> The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's
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>> Pentecostal!"
>>
>

[kavanaru]

BELIEVE it or not ,
These are REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

[GreggC]

strikes again.

[shakkai]

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand ....

And "lollipop" is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak,' 'level' & 'radar' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous ": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is.)

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.



Now you know more than you did before!!

[GreggC]

Runner up #9
Yankton, S.Dak.: A woman was arrested at her stepson's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.
Runner up #8
Colorado Springs:A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you're 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him. At this point, the robber took out his driver's license and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, agreed that the man was over 21 and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave them the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Runner up #7
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. the policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Runner up #6
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank Of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank Of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank Of America deposit slip and that he would have to fill out a Wells Fargo slip or go back to Bank Of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting back in the line at the Bank Of America.
Runner up #5
From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photo of 40 pounds. Several days later, he recived a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent in money for the fine.
Runner up #4
Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
Runner up #3
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, the n quickly added, "If I was the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
Runner up #2
Detroit: R.C.Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
Runner up #1
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
The Winner!
A Charlotte, N.C. man, having purchased a case of very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man claimed that the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued...and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthly and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

[Ross]

How come most are in Michigan? Paul... help me out here. BikerDoc?

[kavanaru]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it's wrong miss, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is . . .
TEACHER: No, Millie. . Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right. . . "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Was it because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

[kavanaru]

the guys from BBC... check the video to see their April joke

Flying penguins found by BBC programme - Telegraph

[CodiMN]

lol Lovely! Reminds me of the "spaghetti trees" from back in the day!