The joke thread

[shakkai]

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.


WRINKLES: Something other people have.
You and I have character lines.

[GreggC]

I'm a recycled teenager.

[GreggC]

Hang up and drive.
Try not to let your mind wander...It's too small to be out by itself.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.
If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody but me."
I used to have a handle on life but it broke off.
Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
Your proctologist called...they found your head.

[GreggC]

3% vitamin E
2% aspirin
2% ibuprofen
1% vitamin C
92% Fix-a-Flat

[GreggC]

Why don't blind people sky dive?

It scares the hell out of their dogs!

A carrot is crossing the road, gets hit by a car, is rushed to the hospital. The doctor comes in and says, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is you're gonna live, the bad news is you'll be a vegetable for the rest of your life."

[GreggC]

For those of you who watch what you eat....Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attack than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat adn drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[CodiMN]

GreggC, those are a hoot!

[GreggC]

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they parked your car.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'I remember these!'

[Jo Ann]

Gregg I believe you are a wild and crazy kinda guy…I usually likem that way......

[GreggC]

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50 rule. Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there is a 90 percent chance that you will get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world, end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those that came there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go to court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who aren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.