The joke thread

[Ross]

I should have thought Dennis would be the one!

[Gin]

LOLOL , I had a good laugh .. Gin

[Gin]

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces(USRSF).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
-------------------------------------------------------
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on prozac.

[Ross]

[cb977]

Gin, that last one was hilarious!

[Marco]

i threw out all my orchids

[cb977]

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love.
When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love.
And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin." "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc. "Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

[Dorothy]

MARCO!
Where is that little faint smilie when you need it!

[cb977]

THE LAWYER

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in
front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got
out, a truck came along too close to the curb and tore off the driver's
door.

Fortunately, a cop in a squad car was close enough to see the accident
and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the
cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming
hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day
before, was now ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard
the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are, he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect
the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?
It got ripped off when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!"

[Dorothy]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon – "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid b$#@&% was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat @ss downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!".

The cab driver hit a parked car...