Orchids Are Pansys!! AaronM Rants Again!!

[AaronM]

It is my fervent hope that some time in the not too distant future some group of genetic geniuses will stop researching useless things like better corn and grain varieties and pigs with human brains (besides they already exist, we're called men. Or are we people with pig brains? ) and start figuring out how to cross popular orchids with crabgrass. Maybe the new administration will take all that wasted brain power at NASA (come on, fifty years and billions of taxpayer dollars and all we really have to show for it are tang, Velcro, and satellites [O.K., I admit, that one's pretty good]) and put them on task of creating some orchids that aren't whiny little sissies.
What brought this on you ask? Well I'll tell you. I went out to my shade house to pull back the plastic frost covering and discovered that the interior was a balmy 106 (can anyone explain to me why there's no degree symbol on my keyboard? Thanks again Bill Gates!). So anyway a couple of my orchids aren't looking so well. Come on, 106, I barely glisten at that temperature (not that I glisten, I sweat, like a man should). Why was my shade house wrapped in plastic in the first place? Simple, because my orchids are too dainty to spend the night out in brisk 28 (still no degree symbol, dagnabbit) temps. Any of our Canadian members would be in bathing suit barbecuing by the pool in weather like that.
Don't over water, don't underwater, same goes for fertilizer and light and air flow (come on, who doesn't enjoy a 75 mph ride in the bed of a pickup? My big Onc., thats who).
If only they were more like crab grass. Full sun? No problem. Abyss-like shade? That's cool. Someone dumped a gallon of round-up on you? That's irritating, I guess I'll move eighteen inches to the left and start over.
Why do we do it? Simple, because when they flower we forget what a pain they are and because we're all a little crazy. Fortunately, orchids (unlike the Real Housewives of the O.C.*) are attractive enough to compensate for their often appalling personalities and to warrant the astonishingly high upkeep (plus when you send an orchid to the compost pile, it doesn't take half of your stuff with it**).
What's the point you ask? None really, I just quit smoking and am feeling a little bit surly.

Actually, I to create a thread so we can all share our orchid disasters and horror stories. Like watching Cops, I think it will help others who read it feel better about their own little problems.

Aaron "Needs Some Nicotine" M

*Disclaimer 1: I apologize to any fans of the "Real Housewives". I am very sorry you can't find any better use of your time.
** Disclaimer 2: If you are one of the "Real Housewives" I would like to apologize. I'm so sorry for you. I am also terribly, terribly sorry that surgeons can do that to someone and then charge them thousands of dollars (what happened to "do no harm"?).