Something's missing...oh yeah FLOWERS!

[AaronM]

I always thought that all orchids flower but apparently that's not true. Some like my Grammatophylum only grow leaves. Others like my Vandas only grow roots (which then grow roots themselves [which often grow roots as well]). While still others grow both roots, and leaves in abundance like my Phalenopsis. The one thing that twenty five of my thirty orchids have in common is that they don't seem to flower. Ever.
I'm a pretty patient guy but I really think my wife believes my hobby is growing funky and not terrible attractive foliage plants. All she sees are baskets of green leaves hanging in front of the house, huge masses of roots hanging on the back patio, a terrarium full an odd assortment of mostly sickly looking plant in my study where the computer is supposed to be, and pots of leaves and slabs of bark with leaves growing out of them hanging all over the house. (Any English teachers out there feel free to use the above sentence during your next class on run on sentences.)
Meanwhile we go to dinner at our friends' house and they have this lovely Phal. covered in flower which they throw into the bushes each year when it finishes flowering and retrieve it the next time it flowers. THEY THROW IT INTO THE BUSHES AND IT FLOWERS!!! No fertilizer, no twice daily mistings, no $1,200 speakers playing rain forest sound effect 24/7, no half hour leaf massages. It's like losing an archery competition to a blind person whose throwing the arrows at the target! (Yes, that's right, I used the "B" word. I'm a troglodyte, I know.)
I average about forty-five minutes a day caring for orchids that do nothing more than take ten percent of my paycheck every two weeks. So, any words of advice or encouragement you could offer would be appreciated. As long as you don't use the words patient, patience, patiently, or any phrase resembling "orchids thrive on neglect". I've seen what neglected orchids look like and "appalling" is a more accurate description than "thriving". Besides, if the flowers come without any effort on my part, what is there to brag about?

Thanks,
AaronM

Please enjoy this photo gallery of funky foliage plants.

[ipv6ready]

Hi Aaron, I'm no expert but have you tried increasing the light.

I live in a corner apt of a high rise luckily with two covered balconies the only difference between the two being the light.

One balcony gets a lots of morning sun, high amount of reflected light from glass office building in the afternoon and is bright all day.

The other gets bright light but no direct sun.

Well to cut to the chase, I divided a lot of larger orchids that I bought last year in flower and put one in each balcony. So the orchids are genetically identical but in my bright balcony orchids are spiking and blooming where as in the other room equally healthy plants but only nice foliage.

So maybe some extra light might make a difference. Hope that helps

[kiki-do]

Those were my thoughts also, increase the light. I have a Max too and they are pokey (wasn't one of the no-no words).
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed your post. I got such a chuckle.
I bought a piece of slab as in your second picture that also had a green plant attached, much like yours. Mine is hanging at one of my skylights doing absolutely nothing, so I tell people I only wanted to purchase the slab for a conversation piece, and a Cattleya happened to be attached. See, no expectations when you look at it differently. And besides, how many people do you know have such great roots?? You are a trend starter!
Sorry, but had to kid. I would definitely increase the light.

[Lene Th.]

*Lol*

Sorry that i dont have any advice to you, but i had to compliment on a humoress tread!
What a way to explain!

*Still giggeling*

[bonsai1504]

looks like you need more light.

[Chubidubi]

Oh Aaron your post is so funny and very creative writing . I also think it could be a light issue.

[JennS]

I would have to agree that the simplest answer must be light. Some of the plants look a bit too dark green usually meaning too low of light conditions.

For the Vandas especially, if they are growing roots off roots off roots, that means the watering and fertilizing must be quite good for them. They like a lot of light though. I live in Central Fl. and have mine outdoors hanging in various areas. They get morning sun that is slightly dappled but a little bit directly and then dappled sun the rest of the day. Or more of shaded sun if that makes sense? Anyway, I have gotten them to flower in this way, but never as beautifully as when I bought it in flower from Tom Ritter orchids at a show. I think even my light could be better..just my 2 cents!

[Soonix]

Sorry to hear about your chids. However I have to complement you on your writing skills, really enjoyed reading it, i was

[Swamper]

That really was fun reading. Thanks. The only thing I see that you don't mention is SUN. It looks like they may be lacking some sunshine. You live in florida so I know those vandas at least require if not the morning sun then the sunset sun. Without it you will have beautiful green leaves and beautiful roots but rarely if ever...FLOWERS

[Lorraine]

Hi Aaron,

Don't you just love..I mean hate those friends that throw their chids in the bushes and they thrive. Bet if you checked they get water from the sprinkler couple times a week and the bug do fertilizes them just fine.
I even heard of a lady that has her Vandas lying all over the ground and they are blooming. A friend is trying to get her to part with a few since she can't take 'proper care' of them. You can't argue with an 80+ who gets to look at her bloomers
I would try more sun just don't do it too fast or they will get sunburn here in Florida. With all the roots and healthy leaves they should only need 1 more thing to bloom.....'SUN'. My vandas get most of the day sun in a screened in pool area they have south and west sunlight and pool reflection. Or the south exposure under an overhang not enclosed no direct sun on them now, they would burn. In the winter the sun will not be as intense so they will have sun on them and be fine.